These are extracts from the obscene phone calls left on the answerphone of former Fawlty Towers star Andrew Sachs by BBC presenters Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand.
At times the pair can be heard giggling and talking over the top of each other, and Ross jokes at one point: "We can keep doing this for hours."
Extract one:
Russell Brand (RB): This is Andrew Sachs's answerphone. Right Jonathan, well this is unconventional..
Jonathan Ross (JR): Don't worry I'll blurt something out.
RB: Don't blurt something out, not on the answerphone Jonathan.
Andrew Sachs's answerphone: Sorry I can't answer at the moment, but please call again or leave a message. Speak after the tone, thank you.
RB: Hello Andrew Sachs this is Russell Brand. I am a great appreciator of your work over the decades. You're meant to be on my show now mate, I don't know why you're not answering the phone, it's a bit difficult - I'm here with Jonathan Ross.
JR: Hello Andrew...
RB: That's Jonathan Ross speaking now. Anyway, we understand.. anyway.. we can still do the interview to his answerphone...
(The two presenters exchange banter)
JR: He ****** your granddaughter! (laughter)... I'm sorry I apologise. Andrew I apologise... I got excited, what can I say. It just came out.
RB: Andrew Sachs, I did not do nothing with Georgina - oh no I've revealed I know her name! Oh no it's a disaster. Abort, abort. Please watch that show. I am out of The Bill, starring Andrew Sachs, I'm out of The Bill... Put the phone down, put the phone down, code red code red. I'm sorry Mr Fawlty I'm sorry, they're a waste of space...
JR: ... How could I carry that round in my head like a big brain blister all day? I had to pop it and let the pressure out... Like it's really bothered us though, he's the poor man sitting at home sobbing over his answer machine... If he's like most people of a certain age he's probably got a picture of his grandchildren when they're young right by the phone. So while he's listening to the messages he's looking at a picture of her about nine on a swing.
RB: She was on a swing when I met her. Oh no!
JR: And probably enjoyed her.
Extract two:
(Andrew Sachs's answerphone message comes on again.)
RB: Andrew this is Russell Brand. I'm so sorry about the last message. It was part of the radio show. It was a mistake.
JR: It was just a joke. If there is any truth in that, I don't know. It was just a joke.
RB: It was just a joke that we done. I didn't ask him to say it though...
JR: It might be true, but we didn't want to break it to you in such a harsh way.
RB: OK, look the truth is, Andrew I'm ringing you to ask if I can marry, that's right marry your granddaughter, Georgina the granddaughter.
JR: And I'd like to be a page boy.
RB: He wants to be a page boy. We're going to have a Fawlty Towers-themed wedding.
JR: No, no, you've spoiled it...
RB: No I'm sorry I'll do anything. I wore a condom. Put the phone down. Oh, what's going to happen?...
JR: You'll never become king rat in the Variety Club now Russell Brand.
RB: Oh no that's over for me. I'm never going to be king rat in the Variety Club. Jonathan I think we've made the situation worse.
Extract three:
(The answerphone message plays again).
JR: (as the message plays): She was bent over the couch...
RB (singing): I'd like to apologise for these terrible attacks - Andrew Sachs. I'd like to show contrition to the max, Andrew Sachs. I'd like to create world peace, between the yellow, whites and blacks Andrew Sachs, Andrew Sachs. I said some things I didn't of oughta, like I had sex with your granddaughter. But it was consensual and she wasn't menstrual it was consensual lovely sex. It's full of respect. I sent her a text. I've asked her to marry me... Oh Andrew Sachs, will you marry Jonathan, it sounds like he wants to now.
JR: This has made it worse, I feel it's made it worse, you've trivialised the whole terrible incident. It started fine and then you went on about nonsense.